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07 April 2008 @ 07:54 pm
Alternate ending of Grace  
This is not a fanfic, it's my own story. It's not a view on my political views what so ever and I'm sorry If I offend anyone.

Alternate ending of Grace (All we can do is keep breathing)

 

When your little you dream about those gorgeous purple and pink dresses and can’t wait to grow up so you can wear them. Then you grow up and you want nothing to do with those gorgeous purple and pink dresses and your 5 year old self ask you what happened to those fucking dresses, because you picked up those words you can’t say at home by the neighbour’s kids, and what happened to the fairytale. You grow up to realise that the happily ever part never really exist in real life, those moments you picture when you couldn’t fall asleep as a kid never will either and you stop believing but sometimes that fairytale ending shows up again and you start believing again. Maybe your not one of those people that are supposed to have that life because as soon as it appeared it’s gone again and there is no way it can come back to you.

___________________________________________________________________________

 

Mary leans against one of the marble poles in the back, its cold and if it had been an ordinary day she would have gasped as her back at hit the material but today isn’t a ordinary day, so she doesn’t. Almost all the people have left, some old ladies are still sitting in the front row, their hands together and their heads bowed when Katie comes up to her, Katie stands beside her for awhile then grabs her hand carefully, like she was afraid she would break then leading her out of the church. The ceremony had ended hours ago but she couldn’t leave, something was keeping her there, she was sure she had prayed at some moment, that she would wake up from this dream soon but the tears going down her cheeks assured her that it was very much real. Outside where birds where singing and there wasn’t a cloud on the sky the others where waiting for her at the car. She sat down in the middle carefully watching the fabric on her black dress so it wouldn’t tear up, Alex laid a arm around her shoulder pulling her towards him, her head rested against his shoulder, Mary could feel every breath he took and she was glad he was still breathing, everyone should keep breathing. Soon there was a wet spot at his shoulder, she wasn’t sobbing it didn’t help but she cried and she was going to keep crying for awhile longer. Alex kissed her temple and whispered in her ear.

“You’re gonna be okay, maybe not tomorrow or next month but you will be okay” Mary turned her head into his chest, blocking the rest of the world out and he put his arms around her. They all ride the car in silence except her occasionally muffled sob in Alex’s chest, when they had arrived home and walked through the front door, she stopped breathing for a second like it was the door’s fault what have happened.

 

Mary stood and hovered in the doorway to her room, she always thought she had the best room in the house she shared with Katie, Chris, Alex and Kate, now she tried hard to see what she thought was so great about it. She could hear movement downstairs when she slowly slipped out of her black dress and put on the same sweatshirt she had been wearing since he left and slipped on black yoga pants. The sheets she had in her bed where one of the few things she had brought, when she and Alex moved from San Diego, at the tender age of 16 they both where so happy to move away and didn’t bring much , but the sheets she had for as long as she could remember. It had been years since she used them but they still smelled like they had been washed yesterday, but underneath it there was a smell of the detergent her first nanny used, it was only faint but sometimes you could smell it. She crawled deeper into the sheets and covers, being totally submerged in it. Mary didn’t now for how long she laid in that sweet darkness but someone was nudging her shoulder, she threw the covers away and looked up at Katie that was standing above her.

“Come on sweetie, you need to eat” Katie stretched her hand out and pulled Mary up.

 

As they came down the stairs, her own little family was watching her, not with pity but with concern. It smelled like noodle soup, which usually was one of Mary’s favourites. Like always Mary’s eyes never hit the floor, it was one thing she actually learned from her parents that whatever situation your in always keep your head high, she sat down at one of the barstools they had in the kitchen and looked towards them.

“I – I don’t know how to this, when ever I think of him it hits me that I’ll never see him again and it hurts, it hurts so much” Chris opened his mouth to speak but Katie beat him to it.

“It’s okay that you don’t know how, you aren’t supposed to know but we are gonna be by your side through all of this, okay sweetie” Mary looked into Katie’s eyes and nodded slowly, Katie was standing next to Kate, their equally blonde mixed together at their shoulders, those first months the five of them all lived together, they had a hard time seeing them apart even Chris had some rough moments and he and Kate had been married for 1 year then. Mary started eating her noodles and so did the others, all of them where trying to come up with something to say but no one did. When the doorbell rang Mary’s eyes flew up and expressed horror, and she was sure her heart had skipped a beat.

 

Mary was trying to fix her black skirt, Kate and Chris parents was visiting and Mary didn’t mind parents as long it wasn’t hers or Alex’s, while still holding a tray in her hands. She started to panic as the doorbell rang, and dumped the tray in Alex hands and opened the door, as soon as she saw who it was she wished she hadn’t opened the door.

“Are you Mary Alexander, the fiancée of John Smith?” Mary felt her eyes burn and tried profusely to blink the tears away

“Ye-Yes” She stammered out

“I’m sorry Mam, Mr.Smith died 12.03 Pm yesterday, his station 2 miles outside of Baghdad was under attack by a helicopter a few days ago and he dies by the injuries he got from the attack”The tears she had held in, in hope that this man in a US army uniform wasn’t here to bring her that information, now started to flow. Mary locked her knees to prevent her to fall into a pile on the floor and took a paper about the body and other things she needed to sign that the uniform man was handing her.

“Mary who is at the door?” Alex poked his head into the hallway but when he saw what was standing at the door, he rushed up to Mary pulling her into his arms, which prompted Mary’s legs to cave and her letting out sobs that racked through her body.

 

Mary couldn’t believe her life had changed so much in just 2 weeks, but then again her life had changed that quickly when she had meet John, that was clearly what to expect of her life. She wonder when the feeling that someone ripped out the inside of her body and their was nothing but a shell left and a numb feeling, she also wonder if she was ever going to be able to love someone again because she thought that she had been done, that John was the love of her life and that they was going to spend the rest of their lives with each other. Now she was here without him and that thought scared her so much and the way she had gotten through all those months when he was shipped of, was that life couldn’t possibly be that cruel and had put her through many things that it was now going to take away John as well, guess she had been wrong all those months. The noodle soup burned her tongue but she didn’t mind, a thought struck her that if she was just a shell, shouldn’t it run right through her and end up in pool on the floor. Mary chuckled in spite of herself, her laugh felt like a stranger in her mouth and to her ears. The others tried to hide their surprised faces from hearing Mary laughing; she had always had that kind of laugh that made others start to laugh too. Today they didn’t dare to laugh with her, afraid that the laugh that so often was heard bouncing from these walls would die out. The seconds that it had been heard soon vanished and was yet again replaced by the silence apart from noise coming from their spoons hitting their plates. After eating all of her noodle soup that was too hot, so she now was numb in the roof of her mouth.

“I’m gonna go jogging” the others nodded at her, they hadn’t expected anything else because when ever Mary was down or sad, she went running. After being dumped by Liam, the guy she used to date before John, which was a nasty break up she went running everyday for six months, when she stopped they all went out to celebrate that she had moved on. These past two weeks she had been running twice everyday or once a day but then been out three hours.

 

Mary slipped of her, or John’s really, sweatshirt and replaced it with a light brown shirt that went to her elbows, she left her yoga pants on. As always her Ipod was lying on the counter next to their front door, she put it in her pants pocket and switched it on before placing the earphones in her ears. It was a warm summer evening, the warm wind played around her ankles, Mary preferred running when it was warmer because when it was cold it hurt more to breath in after you had ran for awhile. They lived in one of the richest neighbour hoods, she had never been one of them but Katie apparently was, it took Mary almost ten minutes before she was out of the neighbour hood music pumping in her ears. When she was running everything disappeared and she could think straight, but mostly all she thought about was her rhythm, right left right left, or that her muscles had starting to hurt. How something slowly was ripping them apart, like she was feeling normally these days. Mary had ran this way so many times that she knew every turn or bump of it. Her favourite part was when she ran through a park and had a view over the bay, she often stopped there and sat in the grass and watched the water and the people walking and running past her. She used to sit their with John, where ever she was or where ever she looked there was a memory of her and John. Mary didn’t know if she was strong enough of to handle that, strong enough that everyday where ever she would look or where ever she would be, she would feel like someone drained her of everything and then making the world stop for a second before ripping her heart out and leaving her with the realization that she was left behind. A thought started to plant it self in her head and she couldn’t let it go. Boston was her home, she had never felt more home then she did here. But what is that that saying; Home is where the heart is. In that case her home is 9 feet below the surface. At first it sound so ridiculous that she would have laughed out load but the further and further away she got from their house the more and more it sounded like a good plan but then she thought about all those years she and Alex talked and dreamed about Boston, Boston was her only dream she had as a teenager and she loved it, but it felt slightly tainted now. Mary stopped for a second, watching the sunset over the water, after staying still for a moments all the feelings she left behind her came back to her, like a shadow that had been following her they always came back to her. The tones of her music began to die out, those raspy tones fitted the moment perfectly while a warm light landed on her face, making her dark brown her shine in red colours. 

 

After running on almost only asphalt, walking on the grass that was supposed to be their front lawn felt like walking on clouds. There where only two cars parked outside there house, meaning that Kate and Chris had gone into work; she herself still had 2 weeks of from work. It was one thing being in their own house, where everyone knew her and loved her but at work, at work there wasn’t a single human being that really knew her.  She would get the sideways glances from her co workers, looking at her with pity and frankly she didn’t care that everyone would know that Mary’s fiancé had died in Iraq and the pity she could handle. What she didn’t know was how she was supposed to act around these people, she hadn’t the possibility to walk around deep in thoughts and being quiet all day, she could put up the fake smile for all customers because frankly that was her job as receptionist but she around her co workers she wasn’t so sure she could do that. She stepped inside and called out to see if anyone was home, or she knew they where home tough, and Katie and Alex called back from the living room. Mary stepped out of her shoes and put her Ipod back at the counter, before walking into the living room to join them.

“Want some?” They both where sitting in their green couch, Katie held a pint of ice cream towards her

“Sure, what flavour is it?” She grabbed the pint and then sat down in the couch, folding her legs beneath her.

New York super fudge chunk” Mary took a spoon and got both a piece of white chocolate and walnut. She dropped the pint in her lap, because her hands where starting to get cold. Alex stretched out his hand and took the pint from her, New York super fudge chunk had always been in his favourite so it had been no surprise when almost half of it already had been eaten. 

“I miss him” Mary bluntly stated, some days she was sure she still could feel the way he touched her or the way his arms slipped around her waist but for each day that was passing the feeling got weaker and weaker.

“I know, Ry, we all miss him” Katie squeezed her hand, and smiled at her. Ry was a nickname Katie had given her a long time ago, she couldn’t really remember now but it had stuck and it was more often then not they called her Ry instead of Mary. She guessed it wasn’t the ordinary nickname you gave to a person named Mary, if you were given a nickname at all. A drop of ice cream had landed in Alex lap.

“Alex, you have ice cream on you crutch ” He looked down and made face, which Katie found so ridiculous that she bit her hand so she wouldn’t laugh out load, which Alex was totally oblivious to. Like always when Katie started to laugh, because you can only bite so far into you hand, Mary also started to laugh, and even though it didn’t really belong in her mouth she kept on laughing.

 

Minutes turned to hours, hours turned days and those days turned to many jogging rounds, in where she let the idea of her moving away from Boston yet again enter her mind, she almost felt guilty for thinking about. Her jogging rounds where the only time she didn’t felt like someone was ripping her apart, sure the pain disappeared when she got drunk too but it was not nearly as good as running and she didn’t want to sit in a circle of people in five years and stand up to say “Hi! I’m Mary and I’m an alcoholic”. She could think and feel everything but pain while running, making her instinct that was telling her to run and avoid the pain grew stronger. Chicago was where her mind drifted of to, because she had already checked out different towns and places to stay, during the middle of the night so the other wouldn’t notice it. Hiding about something that she knew was one worst things to do but still was so appealing. The first tones of ”Late Morning Lullaby” started to sound from her cell, as she threw the covers of her a beam of sunlight hit her face from her window.

“I should have closed my blinds” she muttered to herself as she threw a sweatshirt on before going downstairs.

“You home still, thought you where on call?” Mary sat down next to Kate, grabbing a apple yoghurt. She rarely ate anything more then that to breakfast.

“I reached 80 hour limit” Kate shrugged her shoulders and continued”so when are you going back to work, Ry?” had it been any other person then Kate she would have been offended by the question, Kate was often very blunt about things not to superiors and that kind of people but to others she was.

“In about a week, they wanted me to start 50% last week but I rather work fulltime” Actually she had been supposed to go back to work two days after the funeral, after she spent a day sitting in front of the front door and then had a almost panic attack when she found out that they weren’t able to get the body out of Iraq right away, Alex and Katie had forced her to doctor  to get her sick listed so she wouldn’t be forced to go to work right after the funeral, Cleary her friends where right.

“Oh I forgot, there is a letter to you, it’s beside your Ipod” Mary nodded, she figured there was one of those “I’m sorry for your loss” cards again, so she kept on eating her apple yoghurt before going out in the hallway. She picked up the letter that seemed a little beaten in the edges; she ripped it open a few corns of sand fell out.

 

Hey Darling                                                                                                            06-21-2006

 

Awesome news, I might get to go home in about 3 weeks. I get to go home Mary, the worst thing about being here is not seeing you, to not hear you laugh at my bad jokes. I can’t believe I already been here for 2 years. I hope you have started to plan the wedding because I can’t wait any longer to marry you, to call you my wife, Mary Smith. I know it’s been hard but I’ll be home soon and don’t you ever forget I love you so so much, yes its okay for you to call me John the sap. I loved the photos you sent me last time; I’ll always keep the one of you in my inner chest pocket and the one of all of you I keep by my bed. Could you tell Alex he owns me totally 50 bucks by now, because the Yankees beat the hell out of his Giants. Our division got some of those the cookies that lady bakes and sends out, you know. Anyway they where pretty good but not nearly as good as the ones Katie makes. We have no more missions planned so I probably won’t be in any more combat before I come home.

 

Love you John

 

Mary saw tearstains on the paper, some of them where fresh but some of them where already on the paper. Her hands started to shake, and the letter sank to the floor; she covered her mouth with her hand, feeling the wet moisture between her fingers before letting out a sob she sank to the floor, her knees gracing the edges of the letter. While sobs racked her body she curled into a ball. Why couldn’t it have turned out like in the letter, then she would be picking him up from the airport instead of burying her heart with his body.

 

Kate appeared in the doorway, instead of trying to pull her up form the floor she lay down beside her. Blue eyes met Green eyes, both brimming with tears.

“He was supposed to come home this week” Mary quietly whispered, her voice unsteady, Kate brushed away her hair so it lay behind her.

“I know” Kate’s left hand rested on her stomach while her right one supported her head ”You’re strong Ry, stronger then I’ll ever be” She continued

“I’m not sure I am that strong most days the thought of just going back to everything was before but without John seems horrific” Mary’s under lip shivered slightly

“It hurts, I know that but you are strong, when we found out John was going to Iraq and you later found me crying because I was so worried Chris was going to go too, you ignored your own fears for John and reassured me and help me . We are all stronger then we think” A new set of tears formed in Mary’s eyes, she remembered that day so vivid and clear, as John had told her about she had stayed in his embrace for at least an hour, hiding from the world around them only focus on them. His grey eyes where filled with a calm she was mesmerized by, as her arms clung to him in an unconscious way of not wanting to let him go. Usually she rested her chin on his shoulder but that day she had buried her face in his chest, hearing his heart pound and inhaling the smell that was John but that she connected with Love. He had been wearing a long sleeved dark green sweater that she had gotten for him on his birthday, and it had been kept her warm as she only had been wearing a indigo blouse, she had never wore it again. That night she had been able to sleep, even with John’s arms lying protectively around her, after trying to sleep for 2 hours she had carefully gotten up trying her hardest not to wake up John, who as soon as she had left the been had shivered and pulled the cover closer around him. After taken a hour long run at 3 AM she had taken a cup of vanilla tea in the kitchen when she heard quiet sobs from the living room, Mary had been when she saw it was Kate, because Kate never ever cried. At first she had thought something had happened with Chris, which it had when you thought about it, but it seemed weird, because Kate and Chris rarely fight and when they did it ended 10 minutes later because they both hated to fight with one another. It was one of those quirks they had, like all couples had, when Kate told her she was worried that Chris had to go too, Mary had hugged and reassured that since Chris was a doctor, or becoming one anyway, it was highly unlikely that they would send him and especially since he wasn’t done with is education and had no experience with work in situations like that. Like so often Mary had been right about it, none of them had mentioned the incident either before today. Mary had gotten back upstairs again and crawled back into the bed, feeling John’s arm around her and his warm breath against her neck, sleep had quickly surrounded her.

 

Kate smiled at her and grabbed at steady grip around her wrists and pulled her up, Mary felt the room spin around for a while before finding her balance. The letter still lay on the floor, Kate bent down to pick it up, she placed between two of her fingers before handing it to Mary

“Hold on to it, you’ll regret it if you don’t” She smiled a reassuring smile before leading her back into the kitchen.

“Vanilla?” Kate placed Mary on one of the chairs, like she was a small child that shouldn’t be left without supervision, but it felt nice to just be taken care of because she felt exhausted, she had woken up to believe it would be a okay day. A purple mug was set down in front of her while they waited for the water to boil, they had bought these mugs at a market last month, five of them so when they moved apart from each other they wouldn’t be forced to fight over trivial things as mugs, because they had long since lost track of the respective owner to most of the stuff. As Kate poured the hot water over the tea a familiar scent of Vanilla spread in the kitchen, people was always telling Mary she smelled like vanilla and that was the reason she drank vanilla tea as to led people to believe that she drank so much vanilla tea that it stuck on her skin, of course her smell had more fabricated reason behind them. Vanilla was also the taste of tea John hated the most, but he loved vanilla on her. Even if she drank tea a lot, coffee was her first choice but that didn’t work so well when she was trying to sleep or trying to relax.

“Did you know I used to live Chicago, it reminds me a bit of Boston” Kate took a sip of her tea but grimaced as the too hot liquid hit her lips

“I think it’s only Katie that is originally from Boston, what you move away for?” Mary considered these people her family, but she knew almost nothing about there past except Alex’s, because Alex and Mary was each others past and present.

Med. School but I left behind my first, my first serious relationship and my first everything and that hurt, I know both you and Alex are from San Diego but I find it hard to believe that you guys as been best friend since you was like 10 and nothing ever happened?” Mary carefully drank some of her tea that finally had the right temperature

“Alex was my first kiss and sure we kissed sometime more but it was only when we was dared by other kids and was too drunk to really care, but Alex is the closest thing to a brother that I have, so seeing him in any other light is just wrong”  many people thought it was impossible for her and Alex to just be friend, they had talked about them being something more after they had arrived in Boston, it was not they wanted to be together they had just been discussing what other people thought of them and both had found the idea of them being more then friend ridiculous, but still almost all the people they dated had a problem with their relationship, not that Alex had so many relationship to brag with it was more often just girls from the nearest bar. Mary had been completely honest with John about Alex, that they had shared a few kisses when they where younger but they where practically siblings, John had looked sideways at Alex for awhile but had soon warmed up to him when he realised that he was like a older brother that wasn’t that overprotective that real blood brothers where.

“I knew it” Kate smiled happy at her, making her forget the world for a moment had just enjoy a happy moment with her friend. They sat and chatted for awhile longer, their mugs of tea was empty along time ago, they didn’t talk about anything serious just about normal everyday sort of stuff and Kate updated her on some of the gossip from the hospital. Since it was Kate’s turned to take care of the laundry, because when they all was going to do there own laundry it ended with that Mary and Katie had been forced to go to a store to buy some clothes, Mary took the chance of the situation and went for a run. Music pumping in her ears and only one thought flooded her mind, Chicago Chicago Chicago Chicago Chicago Chicago.  

 

The smell of freshly made coffee spread around the house and hit Mary as a wall as she stepped inside, she waited until the song she was listening to ended before placing her Ipod on the counter again, as usual.  Along with Kate, Katie and Alex was seated in the kitchen as well, she nodded at them before heading up to take a shower. After stripping out of her clothes she watched herself in the mirror, her dark brown hair in desperate need of a cut, it was one of the first times she actually almost recognized herself in the mirror. Hot water cascaded down her shoulders, her skin during red in an instant slightly burning from the water. She felt the dirt and sweat run of her, also some of the pain, as she soaped up and washed her hair, whipping the mirror clean from the steam before wrapping herself in a towel. Growing up she had always wished for curly hair or at least a bit wavy, now she loved the fact that she never had to use a hair blower to get her shoulder length hair straight. As the rest of her and her clothes, Mary always kept her make-up fresh; she never liked it when lashes were thicker then her nails. Pulling on a pair of jeans and pulling a dark red blouse over her head on her way down, she was sure this day would stay okay.   

 

Waking up didn’t hurt so much anymore but today it was her first day back to work and it was tiring, normally she would have a lunch date with John or she could at least looking forward to seeing him when she got home. It was not that she didn’t like her job, she did, she got to meet people almost all day. Sometimes it got boring but knowing she would meet up with John, and might laugh at her co-workers with him, made her day better.

 

She never liked the linoleum floor they had in the reception, but today she was very grateful for it meaning that people wouldn’t notice her on the first step she took. Suddenly she regretted her choice of heels today, she wanted to make a impression that she wasn’t more weaker then before, and really what’s up with that. Her fiancé died she had the right to be broken down and weak, she also could use 4 inch heels if she wanted to. Jayden spotted her from behind the counter and waved at her.

“Hi Mary, How are you doing?” Jayden looked sincere at her, Mary had worked as a receptionist here in 5 years and Jayden had worked here for 6 years, Jayden had the job of looking after Mary when she started. Mary had done it a million times herself now, mostly with College students trying to work of there debt. Both she and Alex had an English major, not that it did so much good, but work to her was mostly just a way to make money not a way to define herself.

“Could be better” Mary smiled, she had talked to Katie for almost 3 hours last night and the things she wanted to talk about she couldn’t tell Jayden, she wasn’t that close of a friend. She went behind the counter to switch into her work clothes. Then she stepped out of the locker room, placed a smile on her lips and started yet another work day.

 

Mary dropped her bag by her feet’s as she stepped inside the doors, shovelling it away from everybody’s path. A sigh escaped her lips as she kicked her heels of her, her feet’s wasn’t used to going around in heels all day anymore. Pulling her hair into a ponytail, she let the stress of the first day roll of her before going into the kitchen when they all where seated.

“Today sucked” They all looked at her as Mary sat down at the table, then taking some food on her plate.

“I lost a patient today” Kate said playing around with her food

“Okay, you’re day sucked more; Jayden hovered over me all day” Mary shrugged her shoulder then focus her gaze upon Kate

“What happened?”

“I misdiagnosed, and she came back to the hospital complying of headache and in the next moment she’s on the floor seizing, she died on the table, my resident told me it wasn’t my fault but I still feel so guilty ” Chris hugged her and pressed a kiss to her temple

“I’m sorry Kate” Mary said before scooping up some more pasta on her fork. After all it was a normal scene at their house hold, things where moving back to normal if there was such a thing. Mary tried to keep up with the conversation but her mind kept drifting, to her assignments at work, Chicago and of course John. Alex poked her in her upper arm, bring her back to the dinner table, with the people she considered family.

“Ouch, you hit a nerve dumbass” She poked back at Alex, while trying to get rid of the numbing feeling in her arm.

“Which movie?” Their Friday tradition, it had stopped for awhile but they had decided that they should start again when she started work again.

“Why did I start working on a Friday?” Mary said shaking her head “How about Wedding Wars?” The other nodded at her getting up from the table and cleaning of their dishes, before heading into the living room. Chris leaned against the arm rest, having Kate leaning against him while whispering something her ear, on the opposite arm rest was occupied by Alex, he had Mary leaning against his shoulder and Katie was sitting in the middle with her knees to her chest. During the credits she had fallen asleep, dreaming of Chicago as a painless dream but then all the people disappeared, she was all alone.

 

After being at work for a couple of week, her body got into the routines again, that was also why she cursed her boss for making her go home after lunch on Wednesday , but today it wasn’t such a big issue. Her heel taped against the marble floor as she waited for the numbers on the screen to switch from “19” to “20”. When it did as she wanted to she walked up to the counter , where a girl who didn’t look to interested in what she was doing sat.

“I want to put in an in heritage into my account” The girl nodded and smiled at her, the same smile she used to customers when all she wanted to do was to go home. Mary swallowed the lump that was starting to form in her throat

“Anything special you want to do with the money?” Her voice startled Mary, who looked up at her

“Could you give me 50 000 of it on a check?” Counter girl nodded at her and smiled the same smile again.

“Estranged family?” Counter girl smiled before handing over the check to Mary

 “No, Fiancé” Mary said harsh, before walking out of the bank, the check resting safely in her purse.

 

Unlike most people Mary liked being in a hospital, the feeling of safety and the certain smell that always was present at hospitals.  A bunch of doctors ran past her as she looked at a map over the hospital to find the Chief’s office. After finding it and taking the wrong turn twice, she found herself being in exact time for her appointment. Sitting down on a bench outside until a dark tall man came up to her.

“Mary Alexander?” She nodded at the man, who opened the door and let her in.

“I’m Dr. Carter Ambrose Chief of staff at this hospital” Carter shock her hand and motioned to her to sit down.

“So what is your errand here?” Mary cleared her throat before speaking

“I would like to donate 50 000 to the free clinic you have at this hospital” She rumbled through her purse before laying the check on his desk, sliding it towards him.

“Wow, that’s very generous of you, we are very grateful for your donation” The doctor examined the check and smiled at her, a very rewarding and grateful smile.

“It seemed like the right thing to do” Mary smiled before standing up and leaving the room, in hope that John’s money could save some others life.

 

For once Mary was cooking dinner, pasta with cheese when Kate and Chris came bursting through the door, their breath caught in their throat.

“You can not believe what just happened?” Kate exclaimed, leaning over while steadying her breath

“No” Mary looked confused at the both of them

“Someone just donated 50000 dollars to the free clinic, jus like that out of the blue” Mary watched her two friends with amusement.

“Oh well, that would been me, I donate a part of the money I got from John” Their mouths formed into a ‘O’ as they looked surprised at Mary

“Wow, that’s so great Mary “They smiled at her before heading up to take a shower before dinner, Mary shivered. They probably wouldn’t be so happy after what she told them tonight over dinner, she was going to tell them all that the she was considering moving to Chicago, the thought of their reactions made her want to throw up. It had almost past 3 months now, it didn’t hurt as it did the day after but it still hurt so much, even more so when ever she would pass a place in the city where she and John had done something together. She had switched her Starbucks because she didn’t want to go into the one where she had met John.

 

All of the food was eaten and the nervous feeling Mary had in her stomach would not go away, she cleared her throat to get the others attention.

“I’m – considering to move- - to Chicago” All their face got a surprise expression on them and they all looked like they was going to say something but Katie beat them to it.

“Why?” Katie looked concerned at her

“Because everywhere I look there is a memory of me and John and that hurts, I’m not sure I’m strong enough to handle that” She swallowed back a few tears before giving them a weak smile, then heading upstairs.

 

Burying her toes in the grass, the late summer sun hitting their faces. It was practically no wind at all and the little wind that did hit them was warm.

“This might be the nicest day this year” Mary smiled and looked towards John, who tightened his grip around her waist

“You said that every other day this summer and you said it during the spring also”

“Well it has been a nice summer” John nodded and pressed a kiss on her hair, he dropped his arms to pick up their bag that was standing by their feet’s. He watched with amusement as Mary laid down in the grass watching the few fluffy clouds that was sailing by, her happiness shining through her face, shining more then her ring on her finger. After unpacking their bag, he realise that they had forgot a blanket to sit on. Mary probably already had grass stains on her jeans though.

“Seeing anything interesting?” He stood above her shadowing her face  

An angel that’s riding a crocodile” Mary got up to a sitting position and John sat down beside her, in the grass.

“You’re so weird” He said kissing her

“Oh well that’s old news” They both laughed before sharing another kiss

 

Alex hovered in her doorway before walking in. Mary was sitting in her window looking out at the bay.

“If you move you can’t sit and watch the sea”Mary looked at him, tears evident in her eyes and faint mascara streaks down her cheeks.

Chicago has water I can look at” with his hands stuffed in his pockets he walked over to her

“It’s not gonna be the same, we dreamt of Boston forever, remember when we where 13 and decide that as soon we where 16 we where moving away, far away and then the next day you showed me a map of Boston, Boston is our dream Mary and you are running away” The glass of the window felt awfully cold against his back when he leaned against it

“I don’t want to remember, Boston was my dream too but now it’s tainted because everywhere I go there’s something that reminds me of John and me, I don’t want to forget but I don’t want to feel pain every time I take a walk and I’m not running away” Alex could hear voice tremble

“You are running Mary, if you move to Chicago you will still remember everything but me and all your other friends won’t be by your side to support you and comfort you, I know its hard Mary but you need to take at least one small step forward”

“What if I don’t want too, What if I’m not ready to let go of John, the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with is dead and I’m still here, because of that I’m entitled to freak out and you are my best friend and I trust you to catch me” Alex was just about to give her a hug but he gave her a look instead.

“Okay, I’m gonna stay in Boston

Mary said like she was surrendered, but deep inside she felt a bit happy. A big grin spread across Alex lips before hugging her.

“We are here for you Mary, don’t you ever forget that” He gave her one last hug before walking out of her room, she looked out at the bay before jumping down and got downstairs snatching with her the Ipod.

 

Alex had been right, moving had been running and it hadn’t stopped the pain, but she missed John so much someday, it was getting better but certain sites or smells made her heart ache. She had walked the opposite way from was she used to run, so she was walking down to the bay. When she had met John, she never believed in soul mates or true love for that sake either, but John proved her wrong, she had been in love before but it always ended messy. The cynic in her also found it hard to believe that you need a man to complete yourself, but with John the days seemed brighter and the future was still fuzzy but he gave her hope. Even after they where out of the newly in love phase, he still made her days brighter and when they had fights, because they did, they still made each other days brighter. Her life was better with John in it, he made her a better human and she made him a better human and they was happy together. She missed him so much, as a cold wind hit her face she realised that she had walked out on one of the piers, she looked out at the ocean, the cold and salty air taking a hold of her hair. She wrapped her arms around herself and took a deep breath, the salt teasing her nose, and looked at the sun going down in the horizon and listening to the seagulls shrieking. She was going to be okay, maybe not tomorrow or next month but she would be okay.

(I’m alright but I miss you evenly)

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